Attribution note: Source disputed or unverified.
Funny Quotes
Laugh out loud with the funniest quotes from comedians, writers, and witty thinkers throughout history. Because sometimes laughter truly is the best medicine.
125 quotes · Page 1 of 6
Attribution note: Source disputed or unverified.
“A woman is like a tea bag. You never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water.”
Attribution note: Source disputed or unverified.
“The man who asks a question is a fool for a minute, the man who does not ask is a fool for life.”
Attribution note: Source disputed or unverified.
“Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.”
Attribution note: Source disputed or unverified.
Attribution note: Source disputed or unverified.
“Be careful about reading health books. Some fine day you'll die of a misprint.”
Attribution note: Source disputed or unverified.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.”
“Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.”
“Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as you please.”
“One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well.”
“Thou canst not joke an Enemy into a Friend; but thou may'st a Friend into an Enemy.”
“People that make puns are like wanton boys that put coppers on the railroad tracks.”
“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.”
“The more one suffers, the more, I believe, has one a sense for the comic.”
About funny quotes
The funniest quotes usually have a serious point hiding inside them. Mark Twain, who was misreported dead in 1897, replied that “the report of my death was an exaggeration.” He also advised: “Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.” Oscar Wilde could resist everything except temptation, and noted in The Importance of Being Earnest that “the truth is rarely pure and never simple.”
Virginia Woolf makes an appearance too, pointing out that nobody can think, love or sleep well without having dined well. A word of warning: Twain and Wilde are the two most misquoted people in history, so lines we cannot source are marked as disputed. The genuine ones are funnier anyway. Share them freely, and keep the author’s name attached.
Frequently asked questions
- Did Mark Twain say “The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated”?
- Almost. What he actually wrote, in a note to the New York Journal in 1897, was “The report of my death was an exaggeration.”
- What is Oscar Wilde’s funniest quote?
- A favourite is “I can resist everything except temptation,” from Lady Windermere’s Fan (1892).
- Why are so many funny quotes misattributed?
- Witty lines get passed around and attached to the most famous wit available, usually Twain, Wilde or Churchill. We check each one and mark those we cannot verify.
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